.on the dot

today.

im emotionally breakdown. all of a sudden, i feel so scared. and i just teared at commonwealth mrt with so many people passin by.

after thinking, am i really that hateful? am i really that selfish? am i so acting cute? so many "am i" coming through my mind. But thanks for being frank with me.

im really really scared. seriously speaking, i dont mind the whole world hating me. except him. i do not want to see him ignoring me, treating me as stranger. in fact he is doing that right now. wanting to have a heart to heart talk with him. i suddenly felt that i have no position to do that.

i really really scare of losing him. i do not want to see things happening like this now. what can i do? what shall i do? how can i do? can anyone tell me? im feeling real miserable.

im hating myself more n more. how i wish i can end my life now and restart all over again.

can anyone tell me what to do? i feel so lost. =(

after this post, another round of crying. bet i will c myself with swollen eyes tomorrow when i wake up.

but at least, i am able to cry all my hearts out. perhaps i will feel better afterwards.

wont be blogging anymore. so i decided to open up my blog. maybe the very next time i will blog is....... when i have moved on in life? but right now, pls allow me to say one last time. this moment, 18 feb, 1221am, i love Lua Yong Liang. i will really love you as long as i live. but i know, i am not allowed to. i do not care how many friends around me that keep saying me dumb, stupid for doing so much for you, i love you for who you are and what you are.

perhaps, 20th birthday this year will be spending alone at home. hiding myself at one corner. or maybe i will buy my favourite cake at NYDC with 1 candle, sing Happy Birthday to myself. hmm no, i wont be spending alone. i have Yuki and Chibi with me at home.

alrite. g2g. im prepared to cry all out. tomorrow, can i still be myself?

lastly, very lasssstttt timeeeeeeeee. Lua Yong Liang, i love you.